I'm still here!

Wow, how long since my last post... March, I last posted in March!

There are lots of things that are new with me, I will try not to ramble, or go off on a tangent!  😉

I was led in bed one night bitching (in my head) about how the pain meds don't work, they just make me feel like total crap,  that was when I had a light bulb moment, WHY AM I TAKING THESE PILLS!?! That was the catalyst for my detox and subsequent withdraw of opiates, opioid and other useless pain meds.
I'm still taking Pregabalin, Duloxatine and Pitzafen,  I also vape cannabis, but thats another story altogether.

I also started a Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (M.E.) CBT course, it's early days, but I don't think it's really for me. Talk about stating the obvious....its like a big pity party! It's an 8 week course,  2 hours a go 😴 but I'm giving it a go, I won't be beat!

Oh, and I'm also nearly 4 stone lighter! WOOHOOO 😀

I'm going to leave it at that, it's 00.29 and my eyesight is going, ni night 😙

I'm sorry...

I've not let you in for a while, I've been trying so hard to find the me that loved living, loved to picnic in the park or on the lounge carpet if the weather didn't turn out right. I don't do those things anymore.

In November I joined the local hotel gym and spa, the pool is hydrotherapy temperature, so it's kind on my body, I swim, I'm not 'a swimmer' but I don't drown either! I kind of go at my own pace, it's the one time when I can empty my head, no one but me expects anything of me, swim, don't swim,  my choice. I no longer want to be trapped in this body that inactivity and drugs have let go to pasture.

The first time I went to the gym I weighed myself 20st7lb....ouch...  in the 3 years I have been ill I have gained 2 stone a year, this has to stop.
I joined slimming world too, in January (although I was eating next to nothing prior to the first weigh in) my first stop on the scales and I weighed 19st9.5lbs, 10 weigh ins later and I weigh 18st5lbs.

It's been a really hard journey so far, because I'm inactive - compared to most people I have excluded carbs from my plan, except what I need to add for fibre, but I'm doing it, I will not stop until I feel more me inside my body.

I've not been swimming this week, my body has faught against me, I often have bouts of Chronic Sinusitis, this time I have had the added delight of Labrynthitis, yes that's been fun, I've been in bed mostly since last Thursday. I feel like it's lifting today, I still feel a little unbalanced (ba dumb chuu) ha, when arnt I!?!

So why is this titled I'm sorry....?
It's because I feel I should apologise all the time, I'm in pain and grumpy - I'm sorry.... I fell asleep and didn't read to you at bedtime - I'm sorry, I didn't cook this week - I'm sorry, the washing has built up - I'm sorry.....
I have about 10% of the energy I had before I was sick, I can't even get close to doing what I did, I fall short at every part of my life, mother, lover, carer, homemaker.

I often think they would all have been better off if I'd just gone, been there 100% one moment and then not, I think I know somewhere in my heart that isn't the case, but it still knaws away at me, the guilt, it builds and builds until it's absolute, until there is no room inside me, for me!

I want the people that are closest to me to know that I'm not spiteful, or mean... or selfish. If I say something to you that seems out of character,  ask me if I'm doing OK,  because I might need your arms around me more than you could possible imagine.

Oh feck off!

The title of this post is just what I would like to say to the world, I do bite my tongue and speak/type in the manor I should... but if I could, I'd just say feck off, leave me alone, go away.... take your advice and shove it up your....

This is day 5 of extremely high pain and exhaustion, my tolerance level has depleted to practically nil, I'm spending alot of time crying at the moment. I'd normally retreat to bed where I'd be left alone, but I'm trying to do everything differently as retreating never seemed to make me feel 'better' it just made everyone at home aware of how poorly I felt.
I even went to Slimming world last night, I put my I'm fine mask on and off I went. Ive become so good at pretending, I can look in the mirror and even I wouldnt know what was going on behind the mask! I cried with relief when I got home.
I enjoyed being there, I love the fact that I went alone, I loved the atmosphere  (home isn't great right now, probably my fault, it normally is...) but it was nice to just be out.

I hate that this post is so low... nothing upbeat or funny, but I'm not in the right place for that. I don't think I've felt so low in a long time, maybe it is just that Christmas has taken its toll, and I will recover in a few days, I hope so.
Being so miserable isn't my true nature, so I'm sorry if your reading this and your finding it depressing.

I'm not reading this back, so if it's just a massive ramble of moans I apologise.

I look like crap too... lupus 'butterfly' rash is really itchy and sore, swollen eyes.... Urgh. ... 😢

Post Christmas breakdown.

The Christmas and New year celebrations are over, all around me I see family and friends resuming 'normal' life.
But I can't,  my 'normal' is very different to theirs, but I can't even get to that. I'm in so much pain I'm sat in my kitchen rocking as I grip my tablet with one painful hand and one finger type with the other.

Yesterday was one of those days where pain is high, but there is somewhere you need to be so you push on,  I did just that, pushed way past my 'pacing' levels, I pushed and pushed until I broke.

If you have a chronic pain condition this will mean something to you, if you don't,  I'm trying really hard to explain,  but I may need to do so another day when I'm feeling more.... ok.

Pain, chronic pain, all day, all night, that's what I live with, but when you add exhaustion and more pain to that it changes how I behave, it can make me curl up and sob, shaking, wracking through my body. It can make me angry, unreasonable, irritated, shouty, it can make me nasty, resentful, spiteful.  None of those things are MY nature, they are what PAIN makes me, turning me into a person even I don't recognise.

I get so tired of this life, I need someone to say, it's ok, we know that's not you, we know that it's pain making you angry etc...

I need someone to understand.

I'm so broken.

The consequences of happiness.

Yes, yes, I know that's a depressing title.... but it's the truth!

Christmas week,  I ran about the week before, getting everything ready for visitors, sorting things out for the kids, if I wasn't shopping, I was wrapping, if I wasn't doing that I was out with Mitch at one social event or another.

I loved being out, I hurt yeah, but I didn't care, I pushed through adding some alternative pain relief to my diet. I kept going right through to Christmas eve. My little one, who is a bit vulnerable right now, went off to his dad's. I worry about him so much when I can't see him, this might have been what pushed me over the edge, I don't know.
I did the things we normally do on Christmas morning, then that was it, my body just said no, no more moving, reaching, talking, listening, no more, just no. I'm used to this, this is my normal, but other people don't understand. ... "you were fine yesterday" No, I wasn't,  but I'm very good at pretending I am!

This thing 'fibromyalgia' is unpredictable, because one day I can do things, even if they hurt, but the next day, or hour, or week I can not. I always try, but pure bloody minded will power isn't always enough.

Yesterday I was supposed to be hosting an open house kinda thing, in actual fact my partner had to go solo, I was huddled up in the lounge hurting, heating pads, tens machine, the lot... every pain easing device in my arsenal was in use.
At some point I decided float in the hot tub would be a good idea, it was....until I fell out of it arse over elbow!

So here I am, legs a multitude hues of blue, in a world of pain that I can't ease.

I think there should be enough recovery time in order to half kill myself celebratin the new year... all with a smile!

I don't fake being sick, I fake being well....

I'm back!

Firstly I'm sorry I've not written, I've been looking to myself for answers, finding myself again I guess.
Fibromyalgia,  or any other chronic pain condition can take over... you can very easily loose yourself and become your condition. I think I found it easier to just let myself be " Ria, you know the poorly one"

Anyway, I decided to not be that person,  I know I will never be Ria pre Fibro, but I can be better than I am.
I can eat well for starters, feeding myself good food!

I joined a local hotel spa/gym, I am now swimming x3 a week, managing about 50 lengths a time! I know!!! First time I went I did 11 and was chuffed to bits ☺but I'm pushing, pushing hard. Often I don't want to go, it's actually the dressing and undressing that is the most daunting! But I do it, pootling along at my own pace, taking a small break every ten lengths,  it's hard going... I could very easily just lie on my back and float around, but I need to do this... I need to see if this pushing will make a difference long term.
At the moment it feels like it's bloody killing me, I hurt more than I ever have before, I'm exhausted. But I'm carrying on. If it turns out it doesn't help, I will stop, but I'm giving it a good go... I thought six months, that way everyone that feels they have the answer to my illness can sod off! Hahaha...

I've also bought a watch activity tracker type thing, it monitors my sleep, or lack there of! My sleep cycle is terrible, for every hour I am asleep as little as 5 mins of that is what's called restful (restorative) sleep, I rarely sleep for more than 4.5 hours, so I'm surviving on 25 mins of restful sleep a night! I found that my best sleep period for that restful sleep is between 6 and 10 am,  so on the weekend I'm trying to make sure I don't get woken by anyone!

On top of everything else, My Mr and I have set a date for our Wedding/Handfasting, so I'm increadably excited and busy looking at ideas, this will be a DIY affair as I hate to waste thousands of pounds on one day!

If I don't write again this week, have a very Merry Christmas if your in the UK/Europe. Happy Holidays for everyone else!

                                          Mr & Me Kingswood Summer Ball 2015

So, I'm not alone!

In my last post I outed myself, I laid myself wide open to critism and negativity. What I received was the polar oposite to what I expected.
My family, my friends all now knew! My secret was out.

It seems like many of us face difficulties with eating disorders, or disordered eating as i call it. Starving, binging, purging, starving, binging...and on it continues. But is it the food, the control or the secret that holds us in this circle?

I had amazing and suprising support from a lady that lives not a million miles from me.
She visited me, outed herself, she understood.  We talked about not knowing why, how we would plan our "secret activities" the horror of that time we were almost caught. We talked about my chronic illness and how other situations are maybe a little too much for me.
She gave me permission to be kind to myself. That one thing resonated the most I think,  I believe I'm worth more.

So things have changed, it's not easy, don't get me wrong! I've got a long way to go, but I'm on that journey... I'm no longed stagnant in that pit of miserable, guilt ridden pleasure that takes away far more than it gives.

To everyone that left me a message of support,  all of the ladies that said me too, I give you absolute permission to be kind to yourselves.  I'm here for you, as you have been for me. xxx


I've found these things helpful;

Outing myself & the support that brings.
Proper nutritional support (Thank you, you know who you are!)
Eric Brown Hypnosis. (On Audable)
Stop binge eating. Improve Compulsive eating. Self hypnosis.


With love and thanks,  Ria xxx