Post Christmas breakdown.

The Christmas and New year celebrations are over, all around me I see family and friends resuming 'normal' life.
But I can't,  my 'normal' is very different to theirs, but I can't even get to that. I'm in so much pain I'm sat in my kitchen rocking as I grip my tablet with one painful hand and one finger type with the other.

Yesterday was one of those days where pain is high, but there is somewhere you need to be so you push on,  I did just that, pushed way past my 'pacing' levels, I pushed and pushed until I broke.

If you have a chronic pain condition this will mean something to you, if you don't,  I'm trying really hard to explain,  but I may need to do so another day when I'm feeling more.... ok.

Pain, chronic pain, all day, all night, that's what I live with, but when you add exhaustion and more pain to that it changes how I behave, it can make me curl up and sob, shaking, wracking through my body. It can make me angry, unreasonable, irritated, shouty, it can make me nasty, resentful, spiteful.  None of those things are MY nature, they are what PAIN makes me, turning me into a person even I don't recognise.

I get so tired of this life, I need someone to say, it's ok, we know that's not you, we know that it's pain making you angry etc...

I need someone to understand.

I'm so broken.