I'm sorry...

I've not let you in for a while, I've been trying so hard to find the me that loved living, loved to picnic in the park or on the lounge carpet if the weather didn't turn out right. I don't do those things anymore.

In November I joined the local hotel gym and spa, the pool is hydrotherapy temperature, so it's kind on my body, I swim, I'm not 'a swimmer' but I don't drown either! I kind of go at my own pace, it's the one time when I can empty my head, no one but me expects anything of me, swim, don't swim,  my choice. I no longer want to be trapped in this body that inactivity and drugs have let go to pasture.

The first time I went to the gym I weighed myself 20st7lb....ouch...  in the 3 years I have been ill I have gained 2 stone a year, this has to stop.
I joined slimming world too, in January (although I was eating next to nothing prior to the first weigh in) my first stop on the scales and I weighed 19st9.5lbs, 10 weigh ins later and I weigh 18st5lbs.

It's been a really hard journey so far, because I'm inactive - compared to most people I have excluded carbs from my plan, except what I need to add for fibre, but I'm doing it, I will not stop until I feel more me inside my body.

I've not been swimming this week, my body has faught against me, I often have bouts of Chronic Sinusitis, this time I have had the added delight of Labrynthitis, yes that's been fun, I've been in bed mostly since last Thursday. I feel like it's lifting today, I still feel a little unbalanced (ba dumb chuu) ha, when arnt I!?!

So why is this titled I'm sorry....?
It's because I feel I should apologise all the time, I'm in pain and grumpy - I'm sorry.... I fell asleep and didn't read to you at bedtime - I'm sorry, I didn't cook this week - I'm sorry, the washing has built up - I'm sorry.....
I have about 10% of the energy I had before I was sick, I can't even get close to doing what I did, I fall short at every part of my life, mother, lover, carer, homemaker.

I often think they would all have been better off if I'd just gone, been there 100% one moment and then not, I think I know somewhere in my heart that isn't the case, but it still knaws away at me, the guilt, it builds and builds until it's absolute, until there is no room inside me, for me!

I want the people that are closest to me to know that I'm not spiteful, or mean... or selfish. If I say something to you that seems out of character,  ask me if I'm doing OK,  because I might need your arms around me more than you could possible imagine.