Oh feck off!

The title of this post is just what I would like to say to the world, I do bite my tongue and speak/type in the manor I should... but if I could, I'd just say feck off, leave me alone, go away.... take your advice and shove it up your....

This is day 5 of extremely high pain and exhaustion, my tolerance level has depleted to practically nil, I'm spending alot of time crying at the moment. I'd normally retreat to bed where I'd be left alone, but I'm trying to do everything differently as retreating never seemed to make me feel 'better' it just made everyone at home aware of how poorly I felt.
I even went to Slimming world last night, I put my I'm fine mask on and off I went. Ive become so good at pretending, I can look in the mirror and even I wouldnt know what was going on behind the mask! I cried with relief when I got home.
I enjoyed being there, I love the fact that I went alone, I loved the atmosphere  (home isn't great right now, probably my fault, it normally is...) but it was nice to just be out.

I hate that this post is so low... nothing upbeat or funny, but I'm not in the right place for that. I don't think I've felt so low in a long time, maybe it is just that Christmas has taken its toll, and I will recover in a few days, I hope so.
Being so miserable isn't my true nature, so I'm sorry if your reading this and your finding it depressing.

I'm not reading this back, so if it's just a massive ramble of moans I apologise.

I look like crap too... lupus 'butterfly' rash is really itchy and sore, swollen eyes.... Urgh. ... 😢

Post Christmas breakdown.

The Christmas and New year celebrations are over, all around me I see family and friends resuming 'normal' life.
But I can't,  my 'normal' is very different to theirs, but I can't even get to that. I'm in so much pain I'm sat in my kitchen rocking as I grip my tablet with one painful hand and one finger type with the other.

Yesterday was one of those days where pain is high, but there is somewhere you need to be so you push on,  I did just that, pushed way past my 'pacing' levels, I pushed and pushed until I broke.

If you have a chronic pain condition this will mean something to you, if you don't,  I'm trying really hard to explain,  but I may need to do so another day when I'm feeling more.... ok.

Pain, chronic pain, all day, all night, that's what I live with, but when you add exhaustion and more pain to that it changes how I behave, it can make me curl up and sob, shaking, wracking through my body. It can make me angry, unreasonable, irritated, shouty, it can make me nasty, resentful, spiteful.  None of those things are MY nature, they are what PAIN makes me, turning me into a person even I don't recognise.

I get so tired of this life, I need someone to say, it's ok, we know that's not you, we know that it's pain making you angry etc...

I need someone to understand.

I'm so broken.