So, I'm not alone!

In my last post I outed myself, I laid myself wide open to critism and negativity. What I received was the polar oposite to what I expected.
My family, my friends all now knew! My secret was out.

It seems like many of us face difficulties with eating disorders, or disordered eating as i call it. Starving, binging, purging, starving, binging...and on it continues. But is it the food, the control or the secret that holds us in this circle?

I had amazing and suprising support from a lady that lives not a million miles from me.
She visited me, outed herself, she understood.  We talked about not knowing why, how we would plan our "secret activities" the horror of that time we were almost caught. We talked about my chronic illness and how other situations are maybe a little too much for me.
She gave me permission to be kind to myself. That one thing resonated the most I think,  I believe I'm worth more.

So things have changed, it's not easy, don't get me wrong! I've got a long way to go, but I'm on that journey... I'm no longed stagnant in that pit of miserable, guilt ridden pleasure that takes away far more than it gives.

To everyone that left me a message of support,  all of the ladies that said me too, I give you absolute permission to be kind to yourselves.  I'm here for you, as you have been for me. xxx


I've found these things helpful;

Outing myself & the support that brings.
Proper nutritional support (Thank you, you know who you are!)
Eric Brown Hypnosis. (On Audable)
Stop binge eating. Improve Compulsive eating. Self hypnosis.


With love and thanks,  Ria xxx

This is a very painful truth for me.

For as long as I can remember I have had "issues"  mental, physical, abuse... I think at around the age of 15 having had my mind and body abused, I must have come to the conclusion that my body was worthless.
If it's ok for 'so n so' to abuse me I could too.
I played with drugs, did lots of things I should not have done, thankfully I managed to put most things behind me and move on.
There is one thing I can't shift,  an addiction I can't let go of, because like air you can't eliminate it completely from your life.

I have an eating disorder, I don't really know what to call it, it used to be bulimia,  but I have managed to stop myself vomiting, but I still binge.
I secretly buy and hide food, then when I'm alone I eat it, all of it, sometimes heaving while I do. I don't want to eat it, its like I have too. I've tried to stop so many times, I've succeeded before as well. When I'm healthy and happy, being good to myself is easier. Going to the gym, taking care of myself.

When I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia I was still trying to take care of myself, doing yoga, eating well.  But tablets that cause weight gain, being unable to stay active, getting fatter. Somewhere I stopped caring, I took my eye off the ball and here I am again abusing myself.

I tell myself I'm not doing it any more, but the urge is so strong,  stronger than I am.

I don't know how to stop, what I do is secretive, I've told lies, my partner thinks I live on practically fresh air, because I try to compensate my binges by eating next to nothing the rest of the time. Breaking this secret is maybe the only way it will stop.

My partner only reads my blog if I show him, I guess that's what I need to do, so here goes.... and maybe an appointment with my GP will follow.

Ria x

***Update***

I went to the doctors today, wow was it difficult, I'd planned to bring this blog with me to just hand it to him, so I didn't have to physically speak the words, but I was so panicky before hand I forgot.
There was a lot of crying, talking and more crying,  but I got it out.
I have a counsellor to call tomorrow, so I will see where that takes me.

I wonder when this gets too much, how much, for how long can I do "this" it's hard, too hard perhaps....

With love Ria

The trauma that started (or ended) everything.

Once upon a time I was a woman on a mission, I worked as Company Secretary for the family business.
 I did my partners accounts, I made healthy raw chocolates and donated my time in a community cafe.... all of this while raising my children, keeping house and having quite an amazing sex life with Mr M.

It didn't occur to me that one day that would be gone, that I would quite literally wake up one morning "disabled"

Christmas 2012, the evening of the 27th we planned to have drinks with friends,  I spent the day preparing. I had a tummy ache, not terrible, but enough to make me uncomfortable.
I decided it was a post Christmas lunch tummy protest, deciding that I'd have a fasting day drinking plenty of water to apease it!
That evening friends arrived, I was sat drink in hand steadily feeling more and more uncomfortable, to the point where I excused myself and went to bed.

(I should mention my 4 month old God daughter was staying with us, allowing her mum and dad a night off)

By nine o'clock it was very clear to me something was quite wrong, the pain in my stomach was horrific. Now, I'm quite stubborn,  so even feeling sure I had appendicitis, throughout the night I changed nappies etc.

The morning came and I had my little princess picked up, Mr M took me to hospital.

I was diagnosed with probable appendicitis and sent up to the surgical ward. I waited, and waited and waited....
There arn't many staff on in the surgical wards over Christmas I found.

Finally on New Years Eve at 9.17pm my temp soared to a terrifying 104.6 and funnily enough they whipped me into surgery like a magician pulling a rabbit from a hat.
My appendix had burst, I had peritonitis,  so I was pumped full of various drugs and sent home (with a bag of drugs)

And that was that,  I never recovered.

What's your number?

I'm talking pain, you know what I mean;  Your in hospital and the triage nurse asks you - on a scale of 1-10 what's your pain level?

You really hurt, so you say 12... yeah?

The thing is in order to be taken seriously you need to understand pain levels, if you over estimate your pain, often your considered to be a drug seeker (I know, I've worked in A&E) so, have a look at the chart, save it, and learn your pain numbers 😊

I'm sorry this is a short post, but im exhausted and my number is reaching 7.

xxxRia