This is a very painful truth for me.

For as long as I can remember I have had "issues"  mental, physical, abuse... I think at around the age of 15 having had my mind and body abused, I must have come to the conclusion that my body was worthless.
If it's ok for 'so n so' to abuse me I could too.
I played with drugs, did lots of things I should not have done, thankfully I managed to put most things behind me and move on.
There is one thing I can't shift,  an addiction I can't let go of, because like air you can't eliminate it completely from your life.

I have an eating disorder, I don't really know what to call it, it used to be bulimia,  but I have managed to stop myself vomiting, but I still binge.
I secretly buy and hide food, then when I'm alone I eat it, all of it, sometimes heaving while I do. I don't want to eat it, its like I have too. I've tried to stop so many times, I've succeeded before as well. When I'm healthy and happy, being good to myself is easier. Going to the gym, taking care of myself.

When I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia I was still trying to take care of myself, doing yoga, eating well.  But tablets that cause weight gain, being unable to stay active, getting fatter. Somewhere I stopped caring, I took my eye off the ball and here I am again abusing myself.

I tell myself I'm not doing it any more, but the urge is so strong,  stronger than I am.

I don't know how to stop, what I do is secretive, I've told lies, my partner thinks I live on practically fresh air, because I try to compensate my binges by eating next to nothing the rest of the time. Breaking this secret is maybe the only way it will stop.

My partner only reads my blog if I show him, I guess that's what I need to do, so here goes.... and maybe an appointment with my GP will follow.

Ria x

***Update***

I went to the doctors today, wow was it difficult, I'd planned to bring this blog with me to just hand it to him, so I didn't have to physically speak the words, but I was so panicky before hand I forgot.
There was a lot of crying, talking and more crying,  but I got it out.
I have a counsellor to call tomorrow, so I will see where that takes me.

I wonder when this gets too much, how much, for how long can I do "this" it's hard, too hard perhaps....

With love Ria