Fibromyalgia is slowly eating away at who you I am, or rather who I used to be, my self esteem today is zero, I'm feeling unnecessary, like I could not be here and it would go unnoticed.
It's the half term holidays, All Hallows Eve is almost here, so we've carved pumpkins, made decorations, bought costumes etc. my hands especially are agony, I'm tired, I really hurt, I'm more sensitive to noise and everything that goes with being so tired. The kids are bored, they want to do "stuff" or go "somewhere" but I can't do that, I can't do anything, due to medication I can't drive, so I can't take them anywhere.
With the kids being hemmed in the house is so noisy, I can't think, concentrate, or just "be", I'm so pissed off, grumpy, angry, but quietly so, emotionless almost.
Why am I so grumpy? Is it because I'm in pain - I don't think so, it's been worse, I actually think it's guilt, guilt that I'm not the mum I was, guilt I'm not the partner I should be, guilt I can't always put a face on and pretend it's all peachy. Guilt about everything, it feels like I have the weight of household woes all on my shoulders....it's all my fault!
I desperately want to "do".... but at the same time I can't even sum up the energy to be even the least bit excited about anything!
As I write this the kids have been banished from this room, (they have only been in to check that they still can't come in about 20 times!) they are playing hide and seek, I'd like to hide... but I'd like for no one to seek please, I can think of nothing better than being curled in a silent, dark, hideyhole!
I think I need to sit in the shower, have a good cry, I mean a real tummy hurting from the soul sob, maybe I'll feel better, be able to pull myself together!
I'm sorry this post is so disjointed and generally a huge moan, but it's just how it is today.
I promised myself I would always be truthful here, even though I aim to put a happy face on for the rest of the world.
Today this is my truth.
Ria.
No comments:
Post a Comment